


April Fool's ficlets

by Kalta79



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: April Fools' Day, Gen, Parody, do not take this seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 15:56:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14168376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalta79/pseuds/Kalta79
Summary: Only two stories, written quite a while ago, almost forgot I had them, the second one is based off my Lonely Hearts fic





	April Fool's ficlets

Reno walked into the brothel, not really paying attention to the woman at the front desk. “Dark hair and green eyes please. Blonde or brunette if that’s all that’s available. But no redheads…that would be like having sex with myself, and I don’t need to pay for that.” Reno said while looking at all the other women wandering around.

The receptionist wasn‘t paying attention to him that much either as she looked over who was available. “Well, sir, it looks like you’re in luck.” She looked up at the customer for the first time. “Reno! What are you doing here, you naughty boy?”

“Tifa? Why are you here? Is everything okay?” Reno was shocked to see Tifa of all people in a house of ill-repute.

“I’m here because Cloud just wants to **be** a dick, he doesn’t want to _use_ his.” Tifa exclaimed disgustedly. “I’m tired of waiting patiently for him to come to his senses, so I’m gonna see what’s out there to find out if I can do better.”

Reno just stared at Tifa. He wanted to ask her how she could think a brothel was the best place for that, but he was interrupted by his girl arriving, and he reluctantly let her lead him to a room. He told her what he wanted before she opened the door. A little while later, Reno left the room feeling very frustrated. When he tried to perform, he kept feeling like Tifa was in the room and watching him, and that totally killed the mood. He got his second shock of the day when as he was leaving in a huff, Rude walked in.

“Hey partner, what are you doing here?” Reno asked him in surprise.

“You’re five minutes late!” Tifa chided Rude, and she came out from behind the desk and took him by the hand, Reno staring after them in shock as Tifa took Rude into one of the empty bedrooms.

“Why did you want me to pretend to be an employee here?” Tifa quietly asked Rude once the door closed behind them.

“Reno always thinks he’s so great with April Fool’s Day pranks, I’m just showing him he can get played too.” Rude smiled at her.

“Speaking of playing, we are alone in this room.” Tifa smiled back at him, then pushed a button and music started playing.

Rude’s face couldn’t decide if it wanted to pale or turn red as his jaw dropped when Tifa started unbuttoning her blouse. “Do you want a lap dance?” she asked him.

Rude tried to speak, and eventually he found his voice again. “Um, I think I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.” His voice squeaked as he bolted out the door.

Tifa just shrugged as she stared at the open door and rebuttoned her blouse. She was amenable when Rude had approached her two weeks ago telling her he had a harmless job for her, then a week ago, Reno asked if she’d mind teasing Rude a little. And they each gave her 200 gil, which she could use for some upgrades to 7th Heaven she’s wanted for a while, either that or a nice vacation. Or even better…she could make the joke really on them by putting on a really nice Turkey dinner at one of the homeless shelters.

 

***

 

Reno was in a bad mood as he waited for a ride. He had sworn the gas tank in the chopper was full when he left on a routine surveillance mission in the Corel mountains, and he had barely managed to find a proper landing spot for a ‘safe’ crash landing, then he had to hike two miles through rough terrain to find a road. He was going to have a few nasty words with maintenance when he got back. The radio had gotten damaged in the landing, and there was no cell service out here to call someone to come get him. And tomorrow was the first birthday party of Tifa and Rude’s twins, they’d never forgive him if he wasn’t there, since for some godforsaken reason, they had made him and Cloud co-godfathers of their children. He had been walking along the road for a very long time when he heard a vehicle come along. Hopeful, he stuck his thumb, then he recognized it as it drove closer. Edna! Reno was too paralyzed with shock to withdraw his thumb as it came to a stop beside him.

“Well if it isn’t my little carrot dumplin’! How ya been?” Bertha yelled at him when she rolled down the passenger window. “Need a ride?”

“I’m going to Costa del Sol.“ Reno explained, since that’s where the happy parents were now. Rufus had bought them a summer vacation home as a wedding present when they got married the day after she told him she was pregnant. Rude and Tifa were overjoyed when they found out she was having twins, a boy and a girl, because he couldn‘t father any more children thanks to Deepground‘s assault. They had named the girl Trude and the boy Rafe.

“So am I, got a delivery there. Hop in if you want a lift, otherwise keep walking. I got a schedule to keep, and ain’t no one gonna ever say Bertha is unreliable.” she told him.

Reno considered his options, and decided he could survive another spell in Edna to get to the party on time. If Bertha tried to get fresh with him, he’d just tuck and roll back out onto the road and keep walking. He reluctantly got in, and Bertha drove off as soon as he closed the passenger door. She must have been serious about having a schedule to keep, and he started to relax a bit. If she was on the clock, she wouldn’t bother him. It was two hours til they reached Costa del Sol, and the ride was mostly in silence, except for the country music Bertha had blaring from the radio that nearly gave Reno a headache. When she pulled to a stop in front of a building where she must be making her delivery, Reno was unsure how to thank her.

“Oh, and I got a favor to ask ya.” Bertha started when she turned off Edna. “I got me a fine man now, Mr. Fit Gaia, and if I pretend we’ve never met if I see ya in public again, don’t take it personally, okay?”

“Mr. Fit Gaia?” Reno got out. When she mentioned the word favor, he had started to get scared, but now he was confused.

Bertha pointed to a picture in her sleeper cab of her and a huge muscular man. “Ain’t he handsome? I’m not saying you weren’t fun, but Bertha ain’t one to fool around with a toothpick dumplin’ when she’s got that beefcake waiting for her.”

Reno got out of Edna and walked towards the nearest bar. He needed a drink more than ever before. He ordered a bottle of the strongest whiskey available, drinking it by himself, offended by Bertha’s “rejection” of him given how he performed that night, while at the same time relieved that he didn’t have to worry about her anymore. “At least everyone knows I’m not gay.” Reno muttered when he was on his fifth glass.

Waking up the next morning feeling quite ill, curses and groans escaped Reno’s lips until he went to throw himself out of bed to get to the shower, and he heard someone already in the bathroom. Moments later, a freshly showered Cloud walked out of the bathroom, clad only in a bathrobe.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Cloud said upon seeing Reno staring at him. “I’ll make us a nice pot of coffee so we can talk.”

In a panic, Reno tried to recall the events of the past night, but all he could remember was Cloud showing up at the bar and trying to get him to stop drinking so much, then Cloud was assisting him up some stairs, and that was all Reno could remember. Reno started praying even more than he had his night with Bertha, this time praying that there was an innocent explanation for why he was in nothing but his boxer shorts, and that Cloud only wanted to talk about their godchildren.


End file.
